It's a new day!!!

Well....I must have slept the grumpy away. What a rough few days. BUT- today is a new day! And it's still cold. I love it. My joints, not so much. But I love taking a deep breath of cool air and my nose being cold sticking out from under the covers. I feel like a kid again.

I talked to Lexie again this morning on her way to the bus stop and waiting for the bus. "Mom, the grass has frost on it!" It was 37 here, but I didn't see frost. Brrrrr. Love hearing her in the mornings, and saying "Good night" before bed. Weird to say- but I miss my other half!

I need to stop and put what's in my head on hold. I realized yesterday that I stay so consumed with things I can't change or things that are stressing me out- instead of talking, laughing and living in the here and now. So I am going to start working on that today!

I got a call from Lyssa's case manager yesterday, I completely vented and shared my concerns and waiting for a call back.

Praying like crazy for changes for the kids- help, healing....and for me to get this job. I want to play with some kiddos and rock some babies!!!!

Positive for my two negatives....

I have been talking to Lexie every evening and now in the mornings while she walks to the bus. What a warm feeling. I miss her, but I am so happy for the improvements she is making. Her grades are outstanding and her talent in Art is blooming! I am so proud of her, and love getting to talk. Baby steps.

Another positive...MY CAR STARTED again today. PRAISE GOD! That is something to totally be thankful for, along with the roof over my head, the heat in the house and food on the table. I'm not a complete sour Susie....just not perky Penny either. I'll get there.

...sweeping my own doorstep before I can worry about anyone else's!

Oh what a night...

This morning is the heaviest (mentally/emotionally) I've felt in a few months. The weight of the world seems to be on my shoulders. From absolutely no funds, or the screwy way they seem to be appearing, to side effects from my Gout and Arthritis, plus new problems with the PCOS (and no insurance) to the kids uphill battles.

Lyssa called last night. As soon as I answered she was crying. She only went one day without talking to me- but thinks she is old enough and mature enough to live on her own NOW! Ok. I couldn't talk though. I can't explain the feeling except that she sounded to me like the mother you never see on Charlie Brown. (Or is she a teacher?) Either way, I can't say I didn't care what was said, because I do- but emotionally I shut off. Right before she called Jay was laying in my bed watching TV and fell asleep. He woke up to go to his bed with one thing on his mind. FOOD! Why is that the focus of all his breakdowns? I made him a birthday cake to celebrate (late) on Halloween while at Scott's Moms house. Well she had bought one of those huge cookie cake things for him and had candles and all on it. So we used that. Of course she sent home the leftovers- and I told Jay "finish the cookie up before we cut the cake so the cake doesn't get hard and nothing is wasted!" Well....HELL does not describe the next 30 minutes. Screaming, crying, kicking, hitting, punching, tipping furniture over...and his eyes weren't even OPEN! For the first time something in me thought...it's time to give up. (Crying as I write this) Give up??!! I've never thought that before. I've been in it to fight the fight. But I'm getting no where, if not going backwards. So on top of his "issue" with freaking cake, and Lyssa calling with more emotional CRAP for me to think over I just decided to go to bed.

In bed...what happens?? I lay there. Thinking up songs that sound like the clock ticking, or the ceiling fan twirling. I'm losing my mind. Laying there, quiet and calm I became consumed with anger. Thinking about the family session where it was Lyssa #2 (for lack of proper naming- ie. split personalities). She was so full of BS it was absolutely PISSING ME OFF! And what does her therapist say??? "Lyssa has been doing so well we have to start passes because she will be coming home soon!" I lost it. Right there, in the office, in front of Lyssa #2 and the therapist. HOME? Really?? You are putting THAT back on me? I see the lies. The manipulation. The turmoil. The unsteady and scary mood swings- but YOU think she is ready? YOU...the INTERN who isn't even getting paid to work with my child??? WHO THINKS she knows everything and can heal the world in one swoop because she JUST started?? Jesus help me. I then said..." I can't talk to Lyssa. I need a few days. I just can't be around her or hear her right now!" Instantly...Lyssa #1 was back. "But Mommy..." How do you deal with that? How do you understand? How do you work with her? How am I supposed to stay strong. I realized I was gripping the sheets so tight I had actually cut my finger, and I was clenching my teeth so hard they feel loose this morning. REALLY??!!
to me? I've learned so much this year. About myself. But where is that inner peace? Where are the answers? Where is
...and then there is Scott. On his side of the bed. Scared to even breath because he knows it will set me off. What happened  progress? And why, a man that says when he looks at me his whole world lights up, do I shut out when I'm having a "moment".

I feel selfish. I feel angry. I'm SICK OF FEELING! I want this crap to stop. I'm one person for God's sake. How much more do I have to go through?

This afternoon or tomorrow I am sure I will feel better- especially after being able to get this out. I just wish I could understand. Maybe it's not for understanding. Maybe it's a test of strength. Endurance. Maternal love. Who knows.

From Mental Illness to Gout~

I've sat here looking at the screen thinking "where do I start??" or "what subject, issue, drama or happiness do I start with?" Instead of stressing over all of that, I will start with TODAY! That seems to be enough lately....one day at a time, that is.

Well, yesterday was Halloween. We went to Metter to Trick or Treat with Scott's Mom. What a great time. Jay was JAYson...which he had no idea about or what he was doing, Scott was an old man and his Mom and I were the pilot and co-pilot of the golf cart. I haven't laughed that hard or that long in a LONG time. But, you guessed it- all good things come to an end. And man did it end with a bang. How is my son supposed to do anything, form friendships, experience life or do any activities if he can't take his medicine a little late some days just so he can enjoy LIFE? He's even had to stop Boy Scouts, which he loved because the meetings were from 6-8 p.m. He just can't handle that. Medicine is usually done at 6 p.m. (and it's always time- I can tell what time it is just by how he starts to move, act or talk) well at 6:40 p.m. he got his medicine and off to trick or treat we went. He was so hyper. (For him it's like a bull in a china shop with a sailor's mouth!) He tripped going up steps, coming down steps, over strollers, over Scott, over little ghosts and turtles and ninja's, even his own feet. Scott did so good keeping him going, encouraging him to have fun, and to stay calm. IT WORKED. We got back to Scotts Moms house and that was it. SNAP! The mouth started. There was no reasoning. Nothing that could be said. Done. Just embarassment. Disappointment. Shame. All I kept thinking was, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions!" I just wanted Jay to have fun. I wanted him to experience Halloween like I remember when I was little. And that is exactly how it was last night. Well, upset one- you upset them all. People that do not have mental illness, or have a reason to fully understand it...DON'T! I am not faulting anyone. Scott did all he could. But sometimes you just have to be quiet and truly ignore it. There is no talking someone irrational into being rational. Jays brain just wasn't going to function that way at that moment. It's so frustrating when you have a child with mental illness. You can't "SEE" it. It's equally as frustrating because depending on the time of the day you interact with him, he can be a completely different person. A true Dr. Jykle and Mr. Hyde. It's just sad. I remember seeing the look I saw in Scotts eyes last night in my Dads eyes a few years ago. Strong, intelligent, problem solving men who feel helpless and hopeless with a child they can't fix. That is such a heavy look for me to see and then carry. I can't keep explaining. I don't want to keep explaining. I just want the pieces to all fit together.

I still haven't heard from Lyssa. I told her I just couldn't talk to her for a few days and that I didn't want to see her. I just needed some time. I can't believe how in tune with myself I have become in this last year. Maybe that is the purpose of all the hardships. I am emotionally exhausted. Spent. I just can't accept or be around anymore chaos. Not because I don't want to. Or lack of love or commitment, I just don't have the strength- mentally or physically anymore.

Lexie had a fun Halloween- IN SNOW! And lots of Reese cups! Hello. :) Love hearing her happy thoughts and updates.

I'm.....broken. Only word that can truly sum it all up. I hurt all over, some days are so much better than others. I had an awful bout with depression again. Mr. Arther Itis is NOT my friend, and GOUT is a tricky, sneaky thing to have. I'm a meat and potatoes kind of girl. How in the world do you have no meat, no beans, no tomatoes, no chocolate...goodness. Things I grab to make quick and easy dinners are literally debilitating me. Sheesh. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I've had a personal reconnection with myself, God, and even trying to mend fences with a few friends and family. Just trying to reach out. I don't talk because I don't want to, sometimes I don't talk just because I can't. Emotionally. I don't want pity or sympathy. I just carry a lot. Not only as a single Mom- on an income that is....well....a joke, but a Mom with two children with SERIOUS impairments, although (thank God) not physically they are exhausting. One child that the bond has been strained, however I'm determined to fix. Then a man who I'm in love with who seems to find beauty behind my mess.

We all have our hurtles, problems and struggles...but I have learned this year especially...I do NOT have the right to judge anyone else, because I have been judged more this year than I ever have. I heard someone say the other day, "Sweep your own doorstep before you attempt to sweep mine!" How true is that??!! You never know what people are going through. You only know what they portray. You don't know the kindness, the laughter, the hurt, the anguish, the trials...you just don't know unless you are them. So even though I could sit back and morn a year that seems to be waisted, I've decided to embrace what I've learned. The journey to finding myself. Forgiving myself and others and accepting what I've been given and what I, as a mother, have to face. Ha! The song just popped in my head from when I was little..."and I thank you God for making me, me!" You know- I'm finally at that place. So now, the rest of the story.....

It's been awhile, but time to vent/blog!

Well, I don't even have a clue where to begin. So...I guess I'll start with Lexie.

~Even though it can't be seen, it is still very very real!~

LEXIE For at least two years something has been going on. From virus after virus, the flu, strep, severe back and body pain, joint and muscle pain, problem with the pressure in her eyes, sleeping excessively, unable to do normal every day activities. The list grows, the symptoms worsen and since we found out she does have Endometriosis - then having the surgery, it's really unraveled since.

We met with her doctor yesterday who does not believe in the "invisible disease", Fibromyalgia. Which runs in our family. She said it's "psychosomatic". It is so frustrating and I am starting to understand the walls and hurtles my sister has had to face in having to first convince those around her what she was going through before she could even get a little bit of relief. Sounds like we will be doing the same thing. She was placed on Hospital Home Bound yesterday, so hopefully that will help her school wise. She is an A/B student even after missing so much time in school, so she is beyond capable intellectually, but she can't make it physically.

It is a very helpless feeling when your child lays in bed and has tears running down her face from pain, and there is nothing in your power that you can do to make it all go away. Nothing to calm her, nothing to stop the hurt....


LYSSA has been home now two and a half weeks. She is really having a hard time with peer pressure, feeling less than, getting overwhelmed and trying to stay on track. Finding her a good psychiatrist is proving to be very difficult, but I am still searching. She is so beautiful and just doesn't see it.

Her Thyroid is all messed up again, so time to revisit that the Synthroid. (Medicine to help correct the problem) She has gained 50 pounds since the summer and we just need to get her back on track.


JAY is going through that Bi Polar swing again. (The weather is fixing to change) But we keep pushing forward. He stays really busy with Boy Scouts, and Granny Bob...so that is a good thing. He is doing well in school, and just reached his AR goal, too. Sounds and crowds are starting to bother him again, but hopefully we'll get through all of this. I addressed my concerns at his doctors appointment on Thursday and his doctor went completely off topic and said Jay was a "Normal, and very mature 12 year old" WHO THE HELL WAS HE LOOKING AT???? Ugh, I hate people that just look over us or through us. We are real, real things are going on, and I will NOT let people push my children aside.

Ok, that's a start for catching up. Now to remember to do this every day!

Take me away....

Another successful weekend. Whoa are we tired! What would I ever do without Dewayne. He is such a rock. Puts up with my grump, over-tired attitude, my spitting nails when I feel cornered, understanding I have to learn to be in a "healthy" relationship, because honestly...I never have been. The long rides, lots of talking and time together is sure helping him see the REAL me. God help him! But I see the real him too. We both have insecurities, faults, draw backs and amazingly humorous personalities, so if we can fight about it, we laugh about it :)

Lyssa was amazing, looked good, sounded good. Sad goodbye's, but they are never easy. Lots to look forward to and lots to work on. She was finally allowed to go outside and walk around with us but it was raining and so windy. YUCK! Hopefully next time it will be nice.

Planning is in the works for the next week, a busy week ahead at that. Lexie will be in a talent show on Friday. I can't wait to hear her sing! What a beautiful voice she has. I can't wait to hear her belt it! Church, going to visit Dewayne's Mom and sister (which I love doing!) and going to see one of my BFF's Tre! :) Yay, can't wait.

Not sure how all this will come about, but I know I have faith for it all to happen!

To new beginnings!

So much has happened, so much has changed. I don't even know where to begin. So I will just start from today!

I am in love. In love with a man who is completely in love with me and my children. How did this happen? How did we find each other? How can we completely relate to each other, laugh, have down time, snuggle and all the ups and downs with the kids and we are completely satisfied. I have to believe this is a God thing. A thing that God knew I needed in my life, but with a man that understands I have things to overcome and things to work on, and I needed a man with patience and a lot of love to give.

The kids are growing so fast. Lexie is 14! I still remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. What a beautiful young lady, a beautiful voice, and so much spirit in her heart. Lyssa is doing good, and growing and learning more and more day by day. Learning to love herself and trust in the right people. Jay is becoming such a young man. He has finally made his first friend. Someone who he loves to hang out with, play outside, play Xbox and is so proud of himself. And I am one proud Momma too!

So many plans in 2010! School for me and finishing with my certificate in Phlebotomy and building from there. A cruise in August with great friends. A trip up North on a train with the kids to see all the history and enjoy the sights with the kids. So much to look forward to, a man that loves me, loves my kids and loves sharing the good and the bad with us!

I will post more now that I have started again to keep everyone updated!