I've sat here looking at the screen thinking "where do I start??" or "what subject, issue, drama or happiness do I start with?" Instead of stressing over all of that, I will start with TODAY! That seems to be enough lately....one day at a time, that is.
Well, yesterday was Halloween. We went to Metter to Trick or Treat with Scott's Mom. What a great time. Jay was JAYson...which he had no idea about or what he was doing, Scott was an old man and his Mom and I were the pilot and co-pilot of the golf cart. I haven't laughed that hard or that long in a LONG time. But, you guessed it- all good things come to an end. And man did it end with a bang. How is my son supposed to do anything, form friendships, experience life or do any activities if he can't take his medicine a little late some days just so he can enjoy LIFE? He's even had to stop Boy Scouts, which he loved because the meetings were from 6-8 p.m. He just can't handle that. Medicine is usually done at 6 p.m. (and it's always time- I can tell what time it is just by how he starts to move, act or talk) well at 6:40 p.m. he got his medicine and off to trick or treat we went. He was so hyper. (For him it's like a bull in a china shop with a sailor's mouth!) He tripped going up steps, coming down steps, over strollers, over Scott, over little ghosts and turtles and ninja's, even his own feet. Scott did so good keeping him going, encouraging him to have fun, and to stay calm. IT WORKED. We got back to Scotts Moms house and that was it. SNAP! The mouth started. There was no reasoning. Nothing that could be said. Done. Just embarassment. Disappointment. Shame. All I kept thinking was, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions!" I just wanted Jay to have fun. I wanted him to experience Halloween like I remember when I was little. And that is exactly how it was last night. Well, upset one- you upset them all. People that do not have mental illness, or have a reason to fully understand it...DON'T! I am not faulting anyone. Scott did all he could. But sometimes you just have to be quiet and truly ignore it. There is no talking someone irrational into being rational. Jays brain just wasn't going to function that way at that moment. It's so frustrating when you have a child with mental illness. You can't "SEE" it. It's equally as frustrating because depending on the time of the day you interact with him, he can be a completely different person. A true Dr. Jykle and Mr. Hyde. It's just sad. I remember seeing the look I saw in Scotts eyes last night in my Dads eyes a few years ago. Strong, intelligent, problem solving men who feel helpless and hopeless with a child they can't fix. That is such a heavy look for me to see and then carry. I can't keep explaining. I don't want to keep explaining. I just want the pieces to all fit together.
I still haven't heard from Lyssa. I told her I just couldn't talk to her for a few days and that I didn't want to see her. I just needed some time. I can't believe how in tune with myself I have become in this last year. Maybe that is the purpose of all the hardships. I am emotionally exhausted. Spent. I just can't accept or be around anymore chaos. Not because I don't want to. Or lack of love or commitment, I just don't have the strength- mentally or physically anymore.
Lexie had a fun Halloween- IN SNOW! And lots of Reese cups! Hello. :) Love hearing her happy thoughts and updates.
I'm.....broken. Only word that can truly sum it all up. I hurt all over, some days are so much better than others. I had an awful bout with depression again. Mr. Arther Itis is NOT my friend, and GOUT is a tricky, sneaky thing to have. I'm a meat and potatoes kind of girl. How in the world do you have no meat, no beans, no tomatoes, no chocolate...goodness. Things I grab to make quick and easy dinners are literally debilitating me. Sheesh. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
I've had a personal reconnection with myself, God, and even trying to mend fences with a few friends and family. Just trying to reach out. I don't talk because I don't want to, sometimes I don't talk just because I can't. Emotionally. I don't want pity or sympathy. I just carry a lot. Not only as a single Mom- on an income that is....well....a joke, but a Mom with two children with SERIOUS impairments, although (thank God) not physically they are exhausting. One child that the bond has been strained, however I'm determined to fix. Then a man who I'm in love with who seems to find beauty behind my mess.
We all have our hurtles, problems and struggles...but I have learned this year especially...I do NOT have the right to judge anyone else, because I have been judged more this year than I ever have. I heard someone say the other day, "Sweep your own doorstep before you attempt to sweep mine!" How true is that??!! You never know what people are going through. You only know what they portray. You don't know the kindness, the laughter, the hurt, the anguish, the trials...you just don't know unless you are them. So even though I could sit back and morn a year that seems to be waisted, I've decided to embrace what I've learned. The journey to finding myself. Forgiving myself and others and accepting what I've been given and what I, as a mother, have to face. Ha! The song just popped in my head from when I was little..."and I thank you God for making me, me!" You know- I'm finally at that place. So now, the rest of the story.....
No comments:
Post a Comment