This morning is the heaviest (mentally/emotionally) I've felt in a few months. The weight of the world seems to be on my shoulders. From absolutely no funds, or the screwy way they seem to be appearing, to side effects from my Gout and Arthritis, plus new problems with the PCOS (and no insurance) to the kids uphill battles.
Lyssa called last night. As soon as I answered she was crying. She only went one day without talking to me- but thinks she is old enough and mature enough to live on her own NOW! Ok. I couldn't talk though. I can't explain the feeling except that she sounded to me like the mother you never see on Charlie Brown. (Or is she a teacher?) Either way, I can't say I didn't care what was said, because I do- but emotionally I shut off. Right before she called Jay was laying in my bed watching TV and fell asleep. He woke up to go to his bed with one thing on his mind. FOOD! Why is that the focus of all his breakdowns? I made him a birthday cake to celebrate (late) on Halloween while at Scott's Moms house. Well she had bought one of those huge cookie cake things for him and had candles and all on it. So we used that. Of course she sent home the leftovers- and I told Jay "finish the cookie up before we cut the cake so the cake doesn't get hard and nothing is wasted!" Well....HELL does not describe the next 30 minutes. Screaming, crying, kicking, hitting, punching, tipping furniture over...and his eyes weren't even OPEN! For the first time something in me thought...it's time to give up. (Crying as I write this) Give up??!! I've never thought that before. I've been in it to fight the fight. But I'm getting no where, if not going backwards. So on top of his "issue" with freaking cake, and Lyssa calling with more emotional CRAP for me to think over I just decided to go to bed.
In bed...what happens?? I lay there. Thinking up songs that sound like the clock ticking, or the ceiling fan twirling. I'm losing my mind. Laying there, quiet and calm I became consumed with anger. Thinking about the family session where it was Lyssa #2 (for lack of proper naming- ie. split personalities). She was so full of BS it was absolutely PISSING ME OFF! And what does her therapist say??? "Lyssa has been doing so well we have to start passes because she will be coming home soon!" I lost it. Right there, in the office, in front of Lyssa #2 and the therapist. HOME? Really?? You are putting THAT back on me? I see the lies. The manipulation. The turmoil. The unsteady and scary mood swings- but YOU think she is ready? YOU...the INTERN who isn't even getting paid to work with my child??? WHO THINKS she knows everything and can heal the world in one swoop because she JUST started?? Jesus help me. I then said..." I can't talk to Lyssa. I need a few days. I just can't be around her or hear her right now!" Instantly...Lyssa #1 was back. "But Mommy..." How do you deal with that? How do you understand? How do you work with her? How am I supposed to stay strong. I realized I was gripping the sheets so tight I had actually cut my finger, and I was clenching my teeth so hard they feel loose this morning. REALLY??!!
to me? I've learned so much this year. About myself. But where is that inner peace? Where are the answers? Where is
...and then there is Scott. On his side of the bed. Scared to even breath because he knows it will set me off. What happened progress? And why, a man that says when he looks at me his whole world lights up, do I shut out when I'm having a "moment".
I feel selfish. I feel angry. I'm SICK OF FEELING! I want this crap to stop. I'm one person for God's sake. How much more do I have to go through?
This afternoon or tomorrow I am sure I will feel better- especially after being able to get this out. I just wish I could understand. Maybe it's not for understanding. Maybe it's a test of strength. Endurance. Maternal love. Who knows.
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