Recovering...

Boy oh boy, this is no fast process. I can't believe how my body feels like it's taken a beating. Mom asked yesterday, "Do you feel different though?" (other than being sore from surgery) the only way I can explain it is CLEAN. Really. Not sure why, or what makes that comes to mind, but internally I feel clean.
My back and shoulder are bothering me again today. My fingers and elbows aren't cooperating either, I'm assuming the gout and cold air. (29 in Statesboro this morning)

I've been trying to do an online yard sale type thing to make ends meet, get my medicine, Christmas etc.- seems to keep falling through, there must be a reason.

I got some GREAT news yesterday! First in the way of a phone call. A medical clinic here in town called Hearts and Hands is going to see me Monday and is pretty sure I qualify for assistance and even made me an appointment to see the doctor Nov 29th. THANK GOD! I need this help. They are supposed to be able to help with my medicine too. I'm so scared to get excited, the way my luck goes, but I am praying like mad it turns out.

Then I got a message on Facebook. There is two women who would like to help me by giving some warm clothes to the kids- and then A CHURCH would like to sponsor our family for Christmas. Again, I'm skeptical- which is awful, but I'm guarding my heart. I'm just not emotionally strong enough to handle another let down.

So good news is on the rise. And even better...Thanksgiving isn't far away. My favorite holiday! YUM YUM YUM!

Another day gone...

Hoping November brings that wind of change. Slept and laid up all day today. But my body needed it. I feel like a bloated sea cow. I look down and see gut and I hate it- but I'm eating like crazy. What gives?? I have to stop this madness. Pretty quiet day other than that, and I am not complaining. Trying to find work, make ends meet, stay positive and have a little fun too. Just ready for things to get easier.

Dear God, sorry I haven't written in a few days. I'm a bit shakey, and my thoughts are so scattered. I know you hear me when I have a moment of clarity and speak to You. I know You know what I pray for and what I wish for my family and friends. Continue to be on my shoulder and in my heart and that nudge of encouragement.

Here today, gone tomorrow!

What a CRAZY 36 hour period. What I thought was my gout flaring up turned out to be....my GALLBLADDER???? When I asked my nurse the purpose of it he said, "So surgeons like him can make money!" Ha. Nice to know. I am hoping that nasty thing was the cause of my hair loss, yellow nails and always feeling so crappy- and now I can mend and feel better.

You know the saying, "When Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy??" That went to a whole new level over this time period. And spread along the east coast. Lexie was a mess- short with me, because she was worried. Instead of saying she was scared or worried she bites my head off. Lyssa went to screaming and showing out and just knew I was going to die (when I was sick four years ago on my birthday it really affected her) and then the boys. MY GOD! Talk about panic stricken. I feel so loved- but why can't they all express it with calm and patience. Again- nothing in Neshaminy's life is done the easy way. Bless it. Now on top of all the craziness, every one is embarassed by their over-reaction so I get to deal with sulking too. Ha! Bring it on- I feel so much better (minus the sore spots, sore shoulder and headache) and I am going to try and stay on the up and up.

Thank GOD my Mom came to be with me and sit with me, help me "tinkle" and then bring me home and get my goodies and my medicine. I know it wasn't planned or cheap. I owe my parents so much. But the comfort in her kiss on my forehead, or just her hand holding me to walk or move- I love that feeling. So safe. Comfy. Home. My Mom will always be my best friend. Three months is WAY too long to go without seeing each other, but I loved chatting, catching up, and sharing stories, pictures and laughs. Thank you Mom!! xoxo

Medicine is kicking in, I'm going to lay back down.
I'm so thankful everything was fixed and I am now HOPEFULLY truly on the mend. (I wonder if a few years ago when they kept saying it was my spleen if it was the beginning of problems with my gallbladder? Just a thought)

It's a new day!!!

Well....I must have slept the grumpy away. What a rough few days. BUT- today is a new day! And it's still cold. I love it. My joints, not so much. But I love taking a deep breath of cool air and my nose being cold sticking out from under the covers. I feel like a kid again.

I talked to Lexie again this morning on her way to the bus stop and waiting for the bus. "Mom, the grass has frost on it!" It was 37 here, but I didn't see frost. Brrrrr. Love hearing her in the mornings, and saying "Good night" before bed. Weird to say- but I miss my other half!

I need to stop and put what's in my head on hold. I realized yesterday that I stay so consumed with things I can't change or things that are stressing me out- instead of talking, laughing and living in the here and now. So I am going to start working on that today!

I got a call from Lyssa's case manager yesterday, I completely vented and shared my concerns and waiting for a call back.

Praying like crazy for changes for the kids- help, healing....and for me to get this job. I want to play with some kiddos and rock some babies!!!!

Positive for my two negatives....

I have been talking to Lexie every evening and now in the mornings while she walks to the bus. What a warm feeling. I miss her, but I am so happy for the improvements she is making. Her grades are outstanding and her talent in Art is blooming! I am so proud of her, and love getting to talk. Baby steps.

Another positive...MY CAR STARTED again today. PRAISE GOD! That is something to totally be thankful for, along with the roof over my head, the heat in the house and food on the table. I'm not a complete sour Susie....just not perky Penny either. I'll get there.

...sweeping my own doorstep before I can worry about anyone else's!

Oh what a night...

This morning is the heaviest (mentally/emotionally) I've felt in a few months. The weight of the world seems to be on my shoulders. From absolutely no funds, or the screwy way they seem to be appearing, to side effects from my Gout and Arthritis, plus new problems with the PCOS (and no insurance) to the kids uphill battles.

Lyssa called last night. As soon as I answered she was crying. She only went one day without talking to me- but thinks she is old enough and mature enough to live on her own NOW! Ok. I couldn't talk though. I can't explain the feeling except that she sounded to me like the mother you never see on Charlie Brown. (Or is she a teacher?) Either way, I can't say I didn't care what was said, because I do- but emotionally I shut off. Right before she called Jay was laying in my bed watching TV and fell asleep. He woke up to go to his bed with one thing on his mind. FOOD! Why is that the focus of all his breakdowns? I made him a birthday cake to celebrate (late) on Halloween while at Scott's Moms house. Well she had bought one of those huge cookie cake things for him and had candles and all on it. So we used that. Of course she sent home the leftovers- and I told Jay "finish the cookie up before we cut the cake so the cake doesn't get hard and nothing is wasted!" Well....HELL does not describe the next 30 minutes. Screaming, crying, kicking, hitting, punching, tipping furniture over...and his eyes weren't even OPEN! For the first time something in me thought...it's time to give up. (Crying as I write this) Give up??!! I've never thought that before. I've been in it to fight the fight. But I'm getting no where, if not going backwards. So on top of his "issue" with freaking cake, and Lyssa calling with more emotional CRAP for me to think over I just decided to go to bed.

In bed...what happens?? I lay there. Thinking up songs that sound like the clock ticking, or the ceiling fan twirling. I'm losing my mind. Laying there, quiet and calm I became consumed with anger. Thinking about the family session where it was Lyssa #2 (for lack of proper naming- ie. split personalities). She was so full of BS it was absolutely PISSING ME OFF! And what does her therapist say??? "Lyssa has been doing so well we have to start passes because she will be coming home soon!" I lost it. Right there, in the office, in front of Lyssa #2 and the therapist. HOME? Really?? You are putting THAT back on me? I see the lies. The manipulation. The turmoil. The unsteady and scary mood swings- but YOU think she is ready? YOU...the INTERN who isn't even getting paid to work with my child??? WHO THINKS she knows everything and can heal the world in one swoop because she JUST started?? Jesus help me. I then said..." I can't talk to Lyssa. I need a few days. I just can't be around her or hear her right now!" Instantly...Lyssa #1 was back. "But Mommy..." How do you deal with that? How do you understand? How do you work with her? How am I supposed to stay strong. I realized I was gripping the sheets so tight I had actually cut my finger, and I was clenching my teeth so hard they feel loose this morning. REALLY??!!
to me? I've learned so much this year. About myself. But where is that inner peace? Where are the answers? Where is
...and then there is Scott. On his side of the bed. Scared to even breath because he knows it will set me off. What happened  progress? And why, a man that says when he looks at me his whole world lights up, do I shut out when I'm having a "moment".

I feel selfish. I feel angry. I'm SICK OF FEELING! I want this crap to stop. I'm one person for God's sake. How much more do I have to go through?

This afternoon or tomorrow I am sure I will feel better- especially after being able to get this out. I just wish I could understand. Maybe it's not for understanding. Maybe it's a test of strength. Endurance. Maternal love. Who knows.

From Mental Illness to Gout~

I've sat here looking at the screen thinking "where do I start??" or "what subject, issue, drama or happiness do I start with?" Instead of stressing over all of that, I will start with TODAY! That seems to be enough lately....one day at a time, that is.

Well, yesterday was Halloween. We went to Metter to Trick or Treat with Scott's Mom. What a great time. Jay was JAYson...which he had no idea about or what he was doing, Scott was an old man and his Mom and I were the pilot and co-pilot of the golf cart. I haven't laughed that hard or that long in a LONG time. But, you guessed it- all good things come to an end. And man did it end with a bang. How is my son supposed to do anything, form friendships, experience life or do any activities if he can't take his medicine a little late some days just so he can enjoy LIFE? He's even had to stop Boy Scouts, which he loved because the meetings were from 6-8 p.m. He just can't handle that. Medicine is usually done at 6 p.m. (and it's always time- I can tell what time it is just by how he starts to move, act or talk) well at 6:40 p.m. he got his medicine and off to trick or treat we went. He was so hyper. (For him it's like a bull in a china shop with a sailor's mouth!) He tripped going up steps, coming down steps, over strollers, over Scott, over little ghosts and turtles and ninja's, even his own feet. Scott did so good keeping him going, encouraging him to have fun, and to stay calm. IT WORKED. We got back to Scotts Moms house and that was it. SNAP! The mouth started. There was no reasoning. Nothing that could be said. Done. Just embarassment. Disappointment. Shame. All I kept thinking was, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions!" I just wanted Jay to have fun. I wanted him to experience Halloween like I remember when I was little. And that is exactly how it was last night. Well, upset one- you upset them all. People that do not have mental illness, or have a reason to fully understand it...DON'T! I am not faulting anyone. Scott did all he could. But sometimes you just have to be quiet and truly ignore it. There is no talking someone irrational into being rational. Jays brain just wasn't going to function that way at that moment. It's so frustrating when you have a child with mental illness. You can't "SEE" it. It's equally as frustrating because depending on the time of the day you interact with him, he can be a completely different person. A true Dr. Jykle and Mr. Hyde. It's just sad. I remember seeing the look I saw in Scotts eyes last night in my Dads eyes a few years ago. Strong, intelligent, problem solving men who feel helpless and hopeless with a child they can't fix. That is such a heavy look for me to see and then carry. I can't keep explaining. I don't want to keep explaining. I just want the pieces to all fit together.

I still haven't heard from Lyssa. I told her I just couldn't talk to her for a few days and that I didn't want to see her. I just needed some time. I can't believe how in tune with myself I have become in this last year. Maybe that is the purpose of all the hardships. I am emotionally exhausted. Spent. I just can't accept or be around anymore chaos. Not because I don't want to. Or lack of love or commitment, I just don't have the strength- mentally or physically anymore.

Lexie had a fun Halloween- IN SNOW! And lots of Reese cups! Hello. :) Love hearing her happy thoughts and updates.

I'm.....broken. Only word that can truly sum it all up. I hurt all over, some days are so much better than others. I had an awful bout with depression again. Mr. Arther Itis is NOT my friend, and GOUT is a tricky, sneaky thing to have. I'm a meat and potatoes kind of girl. How in the world do you have no meat, no beans, no tomatoes, no chocolate...goodness. Things I grab to make quick and easy dinners are literally debilitating me. Sheesh. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I've had a personal reconnection with myself, God, and even trying to mend fences with a few friends and family. Just trying to reach out. I don't talk because I don't want to, sometimes I don't talk just because I can't. Emotionally. I don't want pity or sympathy. I just carry a lot. Not only as a single Mom- on an income that is....well....a joke, but a Mom with two children with SERIOUS impairments, although (thank God) not physically they are exhausting. One child that the bond has been strained, however I'm determined to fix. Then a man who I'm in love with who seems to find beauty behind my mess.

We all have our hurtles, problems and struggles...but I have learned this year especially...I do NOT have the right to judge anyone else, because I have been judged more this year than I ever have. I heard someone say the other day, "Sweep your own doorstep before you attempt to sweep mine!" How true is that??!! You never know what people are going through. You only know what they portray. You don't know the kindness, the laughter, the hurt, the anguish, the trials...you just don't know unless you are them. So even though I could sit back and morn a year that seems to be waisted, I've decided to embrace what I've learned. The journey to finding myself. Forgiving myself and others and accepting what I've been given and what I, as a mother, have to face. Ha! The song just popped in my head from when I was little..."and I thank you God for making me, me!" You know- I'm finally at that place. So now, the rest of the story.....