Through the fog....

I am not sure how I feel, I am not numb by far- but my mind and heart are still foggy. I am not even going to touch on why- or what I think- or my anger....but I am just going to move forward.

Lexie, Jay and I are going to church this morning. What a great routine we've gotten in to.
This week so much is going to change, so many plans and six days from now SANTA is coming. Wow...time flies.

Recovering...

Boy oh boy, this is no fast process. I can't believe how my body feels like it's taken a beating. Mom asked yesterday, "Do you feel different though?" (other than being sore from surgery) the only way I can explain it is CLEAN. Really. Not sure why, or what makes that comes to mind, but internally I feel clean.
My back and shoulder are bothering me again today. My fingers and elbows aren't cooperating either, I'm assuming the gout and cold air. (29 in Statesboro this morning)

I've been trying to do an online yard sale type thing to make ends meet, get my medicine, Christmas etc.- seems to keep falling through, there must be a reason.

I got some GREAT news yesterday! First in the way of a phone call. A medical clinic here in town called Hearts and Hands is going to see me Monday and is pretty sure I qualify for assistance and even made me an appointment to see the doctor Nov 29th. THANK GOD! I need this help. They are supposed to be able to help with my medicine too. I'm so scared to get excited, the way my luck goes, but I am praying like mad it turns out.

Then I got a message on Facebook. There is two women who would like to help me by giving some warm clothes to the kids- and then A CHURCH would like to sponsor our family for Christmas. Again, I'm skeptical- which is awful, but I'm guarding my heart. I'm just not emotionally strong enough to handle another let down.

So good news is on the rise. And even better...Thanksgiving isn't far away. My favorite holiday! YUM YUM YUM!

Another day gone...

Hoping November brings that wind of change. Slept and laid up all day today. But my body needed it. I feel like a bloated sea cow. I look down and see gut and I hate it- but I'm eating like crazy. What gives?? I have to stop this madness. Pretty quiet day other than that, and I am not complaining. Trying to find work, make ends meet, stay positive and have a little fun too. Just ready for things to get easier.

Dear God, sorry I haven't written in a few days. I'm a bit shakey, and my thoughts are so scattered. I know you hear me when I have a moment of clarity and speak to You. I know You know what I pray for and what I wish for my family and friends. Continue to be on my shoulder and in my heart and that nudge of encouragement.

Here today, gone tomorrow!

What a CRAZY 36 hour period. What I thought was my gout flaring up turned out to be....my GALLBLADDER???? When I asked my nurse the purpose of it he said, "So surgeons like him can make money!" Ha. Nice to know. I am hoping that nasty thing was the cause of my hair loss, yellow nails and always feeling so crappy- and now I can mend and feel better.

You know the saying, "When Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy??" That went to a whole new level over this time period. And spread along the east coast. Lexie was a mess- short with me, because she was worried. Instead of saying she was scared or worried she bites my head off. Lyssa went to screaming and showing out and just knew I was going to die (when I was sick four years ago on my birthday it really affected her) and then the boys. MY GOD! Talk about panic stricken. I feel so loved- but why can't they all express it with calm and patience. Again- nothing in Neshaminy's life is done the easy way. Bless it. Now on top of all the craziness, every one is embarassed by their over-reaction so I get to deal with sulking too. Ha! Bring it on- I feel so much better (minus the sore spots, sore shoulder and headache) and I am going to try and stay on the up and up.

Thank GOD my Mom came to be with me and sit with me, help me "tinkle" and then bring me home and get my goodies and my medicine. I know it wasn't planned or cheap. I owe my parents so much. But the comfort in her kiss on my forehead, or just her hand holding me to walk or move- I love that feeling. So safe. Comfy. Home. My Mom will always be my best friend. Three months is WAY too long to go without seeing each other, but I loved chatting, catching up, and sharing stories, pictures and laughs. Thank you Mom!! xoxo

Medicine is kicking in, I'm going to lay back down.
I'm so thankful everything was fixed and I am now HOPEFULLY truly on the mend. (I wonder if a few years ago when they kept saying it was my spleen if it was the beginning of problems with my gallbladder? Just a thought)

It's a new day!!!

Well....I must have slept the grumpy away. What a rough few days. BUT- today is a new day! And it's still cold. I love it. My joints, not so much. But I love taking a deep breath of cool air and my nose being cold sticking out from under the covers. I feel like a kid again.

I talked to Lexie again this morning on her way to the bus stop and waiting for the bus. "Mom, the grass has frost on it!" It was 37 here, but I didn't see frost. Brrrrr. Love hearing her in the mornings, and saying "Good night" before bed. Weird to say- but I miss my other half!

I need to stop and put what's in my head on hold. I realized yesterday that I stay so consumed with things I can't change or things that are stressing me out- instead of talking, laughing and living in the here and now. So I am going to start working on that today!

I got a call from Lyssa's case manager yesterday, I completely vented and shared my concerns and waiting for a call back.

Praying like crazy for changes for the kids- help, healing....and for me to get this job. I want to play with some kiddos and rock some babies!!!!

Positive for my two negatives....

I have been talking to Lexie every evening and now in the mornings while she walks to the bus. What a warm feeling. I miss her, but I am so happy for the improvements she is making. Her grades are outstanding and her talent in Art is blooming! I am so proud of her, and love getting to talk. Baby steps.

Another positive...MY CAR STARTED again today. PRAISE GOD! That is something to totally be thankful for, along with the roof over my head, the heat in the house and food on the table. I'm not a complete sour Susie....just not perky Penny either. I'll get there.

...sweeping my own doorstep before I can worry about anyone else's!

Oh what a night...

This morning is the heaviest (mentally/emotionally) I've felt in a few months. The weight of the world seems to be on my shoulders. From absolutely no funds, or the screwy way they seem to be appearing, to side effects from my Gout and Arthritis, plus new problems with the PCOS (and no insurance) to the kids uphill battles.

Lyssa called last night. As soon as I answered she was crying. She only went one day without talking to me- but thinks she is old enough and mature enough to live on her own NOW! Ok. I couldn't talk though. I can't explain the feeling except that she sounded to me like the mother you never see on Charlie Brown. (Or is she a teacher?) Either way, I can't say I didn't care what was said, because I do- but emotionally I shut off. Right before she called Jay was laying in my bed watching TV and fell asleep. He woke up to go to his bed with one thing on his mind. FOOD! Why is that the focus of all his breakdowns? I made him a birthday cake to celebrate (late) on Halloween while at Scott's Moms house. Well she had bought one of those huge cookie cake things for him and had candles and all on it. So we used that. Of course she sent home the leftovers- and I told Jay "finish the cookie up before we cut the cake so the cake doesn't get hard and nothing is wasted!" Well....HELL does not describe the next 30 minutes. Screaming, crying, kicking, hitting, punching, tipping furniture over...and his eyes weren't even OPEN! For the first time something in me thought...it's time to give up. (Crying as I write this) Give up??!! I've never thought that before. I've been in it to fight the fight. But I'm getting no where, if not going backwards. So on top of his "issue" with freaking cake, and Lyssa calling with more emotional CRAP for me to think over I just decided to go to bed.

In bed...what happens?? I lay there. Thinking up songs that sound like the clock ticking, or the ceiling fan twirling. I'm losing my mind. Laying there, quiet and calm I became consumed with anger. Thinking about the family session where it was Lyssa #2 (for lack of proper naming- ie. split personalities). She was so full of BS it was absolutely PISSING ME OFF! And what does her therapist say??? "Lyssa has been doing so well we have to start passes because she will be coming home soon!" I lost it. Right there, in the office, in front of Lyssa #2 and the therapist. HOME? Really?? You are putting THAT back on me? I see the lies. The manipulation. The turmoil. The unsteady and scary mood swings- but YOU think she is ready? YOU...the INTERN who isn't even getting paid to work with my child??? WHO THINKS she knows everything and can heal the world in one swoop because she JUST started?? Jesus help me. I then said..." I can't talk to Lyssa. I need a few days. I just can't be around her or hear her right now!" Instantly...Lyssa #1 was back. "But Mommy..." How do you deal with that? How do you understand? How do you work with her? How am I supposed to stay strong. I realized I was gripping the sheets so tight I had actually cut my finger, and I was clenching my teeth so hard they feel loose this morning. REALLY??!!
to me? I've learned so much this year. About myself. But where is that inner peace? Where are the answers? Where is
...and then there is Scott. On his side of the bed. Scared to even breath because he knows it will set me off. What happened  progress? And why, a man that says when he looks at me his whole world lights up, do I shut out when I'm having a "moment".

I feel selfish. I feel angry. I'm SICK OF FEELING! I want this crap to stop. I'm one person for God's sake. How much more do I have to go through?

This afternoon or tomorrow I am sure I will feel better- especially after being able to get this out. I just wish I could understand. Maybe it's not for understanding. Maybe it's a test of strength. Endurance. Maternal love. Who knows.

From Mental Illness to Gout~

I've sat here looking at the screen thinking "where do I start??" or "what subject, issue, drama or happiness do I start with?" Instead of stressing over all of that, I will start with TODAY! That seems to be enough lately....one day at a time, that is.

Well, yesterday was Halloween. We went to Metter to Trick or Treat with Scott's Mom. What a great time. Jay was JAYson...which he had no idea about or what he was doing, Scott was an old man and his Mom and I were the pilot and co-pilot of the golf cart. I haven't laughed that hard or that long in a LONG time. But, you guessed it- all good things come to an end. And man did it end with a bang. How is my son supposed to do anything, form friendships, experience life or do any activities if he can't take his medicine a little late some days just so he can enjoy LIFE? He's even had to stop Boy Scouts, which he loved because the meetings were from 6-8 p.m. He just can't handle that. Medicine is usually done at 6 p.m. (and it's always time- I can tell what time it is just by how he starts to move, act or talk) well at 6:40 p.m. he got his medicine and off to trick or treat we went. He was so hyper. (For him it's like a bull in a china shop with a sailor's mouth!) He tripped going up steps, coming down steps, over strollers, over Scott, over little ghosts and turtles and ninja's, even his own feet. Scott did so good keeping him going, encouraging him to have fun, and to stay calm. IT WORKED. We got back to Scotts Moms house and that was it. SNAP! The mouth started. There was no reasoning. Nothing that could be said. Done. Just embarassment. Disappointment. Shame. All I kept thinking was, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions!" I just wanted Jay to have fun. I wanted him to experience Halloween like I remember when I was little. And that is exactly how it was last night. Well, upset one- you upset them all. People that do not have mental illness, or have a reason to fully understand it...DON'T! I am not faulting anyone. Scott did all he could. But sometimes you just have to be quiet and truly ignore it. There is no talking someone irrational into being rational. Jays brain just wasn't going to function that way at that moment. It's so frustrating when you have a child with mental illness. You can't "SEE" it. It's equally as frustrating because depending on the time of the day you interact with him, he can be a completely different person. A true Dr. Jykle and Mr. Hyde. It's just sad. I remember seeing the look I saw in Scotts eyes last night in my Dads eyes a few years ago. Strong, intelligent, problem solving men who feel helpless and hopeless with a child they can't fix. That is such a heavy look for me to see and then carry. I can't keep explaining. I don't want to keep explaining. I just want the pieces to all fit together.

I still haven't heard from Lyssa. I told her I just couldn't talk to her for a few days and that I didn't want to see her. I just needed some time. I can't believe how in tune with myself I have become in this last year. Maybe that is the purpose of all the hardships. I am emotionally exhausted. Spent. I just can't accept or be around anymore chaos. Not because I don't want to. Or lack of love or commitment, I just don't have the strength- mentally or physically anymore.

Lexie had a fun Halloween- IN SNOW! And lots of Reese cups! Hello. :) Love hearing her happy thoughts and updates.

I'm.....broken. Only word that can truly sum it all up. I hurt all over, some days are so much better than others. I had an awful bout with depression again. Mr. Arther Itis is NOT my friend, and GOUT is a tricky, sneaky thing to have. I'm a meat and potatoes kind of girl. How in the world do you have no meat, no beans, no tomatoes, no chocolate...goodness. Things I grab to make quick and easy dinners are literally debilitating me. Sheesh. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I've had a personal reconnection with myself, God, and even trying to mend fences with a few friends and family. Just trying to reach out. I don't talk because I don't want to, sometimes I don't talk just because I can't. Emotionally. I don't want pity or sympathy. I just carry a lot. Not only as a single Mom- on an income that is....well....a joke, but a Mom with two children with SERIOUS impairments, although (thank God) not physically they are exhausting. One child that the bond has been strained, however I'm determined to fix. Then a man who I'm in love with who seems to find beauty behind my mess.

We all have our hurtles, problems and struggles...but I have learned this year especially...I do NOT have the right to judge anyone else, because I have been judged more this year than I ever have. I heard someone say the other day, "Sweep your own doorstep before you attempt to sweep mine!" How true is that??!! You never know what people are going through. You only know what they portray. You don't know the kindness, the laughter, the hurt, the anguish, the trials...you just don't know unless you are them. So even though I could sit back and morn a year that seems to be waisted, I've decided to embrace what I've learned. The journey to finding myself. Forgiving myself and others and accepting what I've been given and what I, as a mother, have to face. Ha! The song just popped in my head from when I was little..."and I thank you God for making me, me!" You know- I'm finally at that place. So now, the rest of the story.....

It's been awhile, but time to vent/blog!

Well, I don't even have a clue where to begin. So...I guess I'll start with Lexie.

~Even though it can't be seen, it is still very very real!~

LEXIE For at least two years something has been going on. From virus after virus, the flu, strep, severe back and body pain, joint and muscle pain, problem with the pressure in her eyes, sleeping excessively, unable to do normal every day activities. The list grows, the symptoms worsen and since we found out she does have Endometriosis - then having the surgery, it's really unraveled since.

We met with her doctor yesterday who does not believe in the "invisible disease", Fibromyalgia. Which runs in our family. She said it's "psychosomatic". It is so frustrating and I am starting to understand the walls and hurtles my sister has had to face in having to first convince those around her what she was going through before she could even get a little bit of relief. Sounds like we will be doing the same thing. She was placed on Hospital Home Bound yesterday, so hopefully that will help her school wise. She is an A/B student even after missing so much time in school, so she is beyond capable intellectually, but she can't make it physically.

It is a very helpless feeling when your child lays in bed and has tears running down her face from pain, and there is nothing in your power that you can do to make it all go away. Nothing to calm her, nothing to stop the hurt....


LYSSA has been home now two and a half weeks. She is really having a hard time with peer pressure, feeling less than, getting overwhelmed and trying to stay on track. Finding her a good psychiatrist is proving to be very difficult, but I am still searching. She is so beautiful and just doesn't see it.

Her Thyroid is all messed up again, so time to revisit that the Synthroid. (Medicine to help correct the problem) She has gained 50 pounds since the summer and we just need to get her back on track.


JAY is going through that Bi Polar swing again. (The weather is fixing to change) But we keep pushing forward. He stays really busy with Boy Scouts, and Granny Bob...so that is a good thing. He is doing well in school, and just reached his AR goal, too. Sounds and crowds are starting to bother him again, but hopefully we'll get through all of this. I addressed my concerns at his doctors appointment on Thursday and his doctor went completely off topic and said Jay was a "Normal, and very mature 12 year old" WHO THE HELL WAS HE LOOKING AT???? Ugh, I hate people that just look over us or through us. We are real, real things are going on, and I will NOT let people push my children aside.

Ok, that's a start for catching up. Now to remember to do this every day!

Take me away....

Another successful weekend. Whoa are we tired! What would I ever do without Dewayne. He is such a rock. Puts up with my grump, over-tired attitude, my spitting nails when I feel cornered, understanding I have to learn to be in a "healthy" relationship, because honestly...I never have been. The long rides, lots of talking and time together is sure helping him see the REAL me. God help him! But I see the real him too. We both have insecurities, faults, draw backs and amazingly humorous personalities, so if we can fight about it, we laugh about it :)

Lyssa was amazing, looked good, sounded good. Sad goodbye's, but they are never easy. Lots to look forward to and lots to work on. She was finally allowed to go outside and walk around with us but it was raining and so windy. YUCK! Hopefully next time it will be nice.

Planning is in the works for the next week, a busy week ahead at that. Lexie will be in a talent show on Friday. I can't wait to hear her sing! What a beautiful voice she has. I can't wait to hear her belt it! Church, going to visit Dewayne's Mom and sister (which I love doing!) and going to see one of my BFF's Tre! :) Yay, can't wait.

Not sure how all this will come about, but I know I have faith for it all to happen!

To new beginnings!

So much has happened, so much has changed. I don't even know where to begin. So I will just start from today!

I am in love. In love with a man who is completely in love with me and my children. How did this happen? How did we find each other? How can we completely relate to each other, laugh, have down time, snuggle and all the ups and downs with the kids and we are completely satisfied. I have to believe this is a God thing. A thing that God knew I needed in my life, but with a man that understands I have things to overcome and things to work on, and I needed a man with patience and a lot of love to give.

The kids are growing so fast. Lexie is 14! I still remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. What a beautiful young lady, a beautiful voice, and so much spirit in her heart. Lyssa is doing good, and growing and learning more and more day by day. Learning to love herself and trust in the right people. Jay is becoming such a young man. He has finally made his first friend. Someone who he loves to hang out with, play outside, play Xbox and is so proud of himself. And I am one proud Momma too!

So many plans in 2010! School for me and finishing with my certificate in Phlebotomy and building from there. A cruise in August with great friends. A trip up North on a train with the kids to see all the history and enjoy the sights with the kids. So much to look forward to, a man that loves me, loves my kids and loves sharing the good and the bad with us!

I will post more now that I have started again to keep everyone updated!

It's been forever!

It has been forever since I blogged. No excuses. I'll get back in the swing of things.
Quick re-cap!

I just celebrated my 32 birthday with the best parents, kids and my grandparents! 32 years. I think I'm finally learning too, and growing up! WOW, miracles really can happen.

Lexie is now in 8th grade, loving it! Great student, plays the Sax this year, choir and drama in church....I'm so proud of her!

Lyssa is still with her Daddy and I pray for her every night. She is a beautiful little girl, but needs so much more nurturing and guidance than she is getting.

Jay is doing great too. 4th grade and the weather is changing, so that means he is too! Lord help me. Together we will make it through all of this!

With Thanks...

Just some quotes I've found that I finally have a place for. Things I've read at some point that I have saved and has made me stop and think, and remember to be thankful for the good and bad, the doors open and shut, and all the people that have come in and out of my life for whatever reason! So to all of the amazing people in my life...this is for you! THANK YOU

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.
-- Albert Schweitzer

Difficulties are opportunities to better things; they are stepping stones to greater experience. Perhaps someday you will be thankful for some temporary failure in a particular direction. When one door closes, another always opens.
-- Author Unknown

Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express your appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, and you'll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you'll find that you have more of it.
-- Ralph Marston

None is more impoverished than the one who has no gratitude. Gratitude is a currency that we can mint for ourselves, and spend without fear of bankruptcy.
-- Fred De Witt Van Amburgh

It's Been A Hot Minute....

It's been a hot minute since I last blogged. I really need to be doing this more. What a great outlet for me, and for others to see what is going on when they feel like looking, reading or taking part in the action.

So much has happened since the last blog I left. I'm not even going to try and look back and catch up. Will just start anew from here.

I finished my last class today for this semester. Hallelujah! I walked out of English 1101 with an A! I'm so proud of myself. Plus I've found something I'm really passionate about. Not just a hobby or something to pass time, but something I am really driven to do- write! My professor was absolutely amazing. Dr. Marwitz. She opened my Pandora's Box and now it just keeps coming. Not only did I learn a lot this semester in her class, but what a healing process it has been. Personally, emotionally and educationally! Just amazing.

My babies stayed with their Dad this past weekend for the first time. Not an easy thing for me. However, they did have fun and came home with smiles on their faces. After all, he is their Dad. Just so hard to let go, especially considering the past. But as OUR new best friend says, "Don't look back, there is nothing you can change there." (Sarah Palin) While they were gone I had a weekend away from home. It was heavenly. I was completely spoiled rotten by a good friend, soaked in a bubble bath until it turned cold, had the most delicious seafood I've had in years, laughed like I haven't laughed in a long time (well, since the last time Mom spent the night) and got to relax! So thanks to my dear friend Mr. Buie, as well as, my parents for coming to my house to rescue Cassie (the boxer) so she could eat, go outside and let Mom chase her around the neighborhood.
That about catches up the main points. I'll be sure to keep up more....

....baby let's cruise, away from here. Don't be confused, the way is clear...."

Kick off to Summer!

Well, Lexie started off the summer with a bang, or should I say... TOUCHDOWN! She was playing football with some of the kids from the neighborhood and broke her growth plate in her two middle fingers on her left hand! Fun. She has a soft cast on it until the swelling goes down and then they will put a hard cast on it if they see she needs it. Always something. She had an amazing doctor in the emergency room so she didn't stress or freak out at all, which if you know Lexie- that is a HUGE thing. She is able to take the cast off to shower, but it really hurts her to not have it wrapped, so we end up putting it right back on. It is still swollen (four days later) and all shades of green and blue! She wears it in a sling when we are out and about to keep it elevated but when we are hanging around the house she just keeps it propped on a pillow! Always something interesting in our house! =)





Yay, we finally had our first trip to the beach this year! We had a blast. The sun, sand, shells and clear water were just a few of the highlights. We rode waves, splashed in the water and sat at the edge and collected treasure. We went with my friend Amanda, she is as big a beach lover as we are and hopefully we will get to go together a lot more over the summer. We also got to go see Amanda's house. It's HUGE and has so much character and charm. I love it and I am so happy for her and Tim. They have a lot of work ahead of them, but a cute place to call home.

**Here's to an awesome beginning to our summer**

A brighter tomorrow

I've been asked to blog in bigger writing... ah, my fans and their demands. I guess the least I can do is comply! What a refreshing day. I got to vent to my best friend and get the best advice and swift kick in the fanny back! I needed that. Plus it helped me get focused again on my life, my goals and my dreams. Where have I been the last month? Jeez-
This is a picture I took of a flower outside of the Foy Fine Arts building at Georgia Southern. I love the color, and it seemed like every detail of the flower was perfect! It made me smile =) I still haven't asked Mom what kind of flower it is, but it would be really pretty in an arrangement. Just a thought.



XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO


Well, to make it clear- I AM SOOOOO EXCITED about going back to GSU!!! I'm scared to death about Math and not getting through it, but excited to back in the rat race again. I love walking through the campus, taking in the construction, the people, the architecture, the different cultures, ethnicities... I just find such a peace there. Plus, how many people with my last name do you think I am going to run in to there? EXACTLY! =)
This is a picture I took of the right side of the library while they were still working on the left. I love the buildings at Southern- along with the history of the school.



XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

I guess I will close for the night. I think I am actually tired, plus a busy day tomorrow. YAY!

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. ~Honoré de Balzac

Lexie Pooh, Lyssa Lou and Jaybird, too!

Oh Lyssa Bug! Boy she is keeping my head spinning. I don't know what is going on. Sometimes she is so mature and loving. Sweat and caring and then BAM- this monster. She is so sloppy and doesn't want to do things to help and then other times you can't get her to stop helping and she wants everything in it's place. Is that Bi Polar? Or is that just her personality? She wears me out. Then is so sweet with her apologies, but I am so aggravated I don't want to hear it. I've emailed her teacher back and forth a few times. She told me some "truths" I really needed to hear, to remind me to snap out of my funk and put these girls and there needs as top priority. Not that I wasn't, but I was making a lot of excuses that just didn't wash. I knew it too, I just needed someone to say.... SHAPE UP! So we got things figured out and came to a few understandings and I feel a lot better about it. Now to just get Sissy to listen and understand I am the Mom and she HAS to do AS I SAY, not AS I DO! The grass sure isn't growing under her feet. I'm in awe of her whit and personality. She is so demanding at times and so simple, at others. Last weekend she decided the cats needed a bath. Cats that are a year old that have not had a bath since we first brought them home. She is like the Dog Whisperer, but for all animals. She gave them both baths. Spoke to them, reassured them, lathered, rinsed, kisses, praised.... it was something like I've never seen. She was never intimidated by there meowing or groaning- she just kept saying "It's okay- you want to feel better and smell fresh don't you" where does she get this? So we have two, one year old cats that are clean and fluffy and smell good! Thanks Lyssa!! She even gave Cassie a bath, but that isn't hard except for her size. Cassie LOVES water. Lyssa just talks away to them and sings and reassures them. It's so sweet. Wish she could get along with her sister like that!

Boy am I missing my Monkey! I know where he is and everything that is happening is a GREAT thing, I just didn't think it would be this hard. I can't wait to go visit him again next week. I'll actually have more time to visit too. Plus I get to go back the next day and visit! YAY! I love talking to him. He actually had a full, interactive conversation with us last time. AMAZING. Where he is , is making so many dreams come true for all of us. They are also allowing Jay to become a young man with great direction and helping him with his weaknesses as well as bringing out his strengths. They are an amazing facility and they are surprising me every step of the way! He talked to his Dad this week. I'm not sure how I feel about that. First I felt guilty because I keep falling asleep during the time I can call him- but then I thought, he needs to hear from his Dad. I just hope the call wasn't full of empty promises and BS! Jay knows who is here for him unconditionally and knows no matter what, Momma is always going to be there! The girls are so torn about going to see him. They miss him, but they aren't ready to see him and say good bye yet. That is so sad to me. But, being the one who is HORRIBLE at good bye's and I have been my whole life, I understand. The problem is, I don't know where to have them go- They don't want to go to their Nana's (sad- but they said all she does is ask questions and it makes them feel uncomfortable), they don't want to go to their friends houses (they like being with Mom - or MaaMaa) and they definitely don't want to go to their Dad and Terri's house. But they are scared to see Jay and tell him bye. We'll work on it, maybe it won't be as hard as they think. They know their choices, so maybe they'll make the decision themselves.



Then there is Lexie Pooh! Oh the hormones that are raging in my home. Yesterday she was so sick. I guess I shared whatever I have. She slept all night, all day and then all night again. She did get up this morning ready to go- I hope she had a good day! She has such a hard time in school. Wanting to fit in, getting people to understand her. You name it. Lexie doesn't fake her feelings and although that is a good thing, sometimes it hurts her. She makes no excuses for her feelings or how she thinks. It is what it is. Some people don't know how to be around people like that. Plus, if you upset or burn her- she won't give you a second chance. A learned behavior from her past I guess. We'll get through it. I'm trying so hard to understand her and relate to how she feels, but it baffles me at times! Craziness. She had her 6th grade final concert on Tuesday and I missed it. Talk about guilt. I was so weak, there was no way I could make it. She had to organize rides for her and Lyssa, make sure Lyssa got home, she got to the concert- everything. I just slept. She said if she asked me a question I talked to her about crazy stuff! You have to love what a fever does to your system! I am so proud of her though, and all she has over come. She is wise beyond her years and impresses me every day with her gift of music and history and science! She is going places and is not going to let anyone step in her way!

These kids are my life- I pray I do right by them!

It's been a minute....

I haven't posted in a few days. It's been kind of crazy. I won't go deep and try to explain how I feel. Something just isn't right. I've been sick and had a few issues, but it's something more then that. I wish I understood it so I could explain it. I've slept almost two days straight now though, and boy I am beat. I just feel so weak and like I have no energy. This bug has kicked my butt!

I missed Lexie's final concert last night of the 6th grade. It really bothered me. She was so excited. But she came home so hurt. She has had a lot of issues with her teacher in band and never seems to get recognized for her efforts. But I know she gets very snappy so if she's been that way with the band teacher, that may be the problem.

Lyssa is acting out at home and school. She is really bothering me. I don't know what her problem is. I got an email from her teacher today and she said she is having a problem with Lyssa being late every day or absent. The absences are because she has been making up all the doctors appointments she has missed over the year so she was going in late a lot but also because she doesn't want to get up and out in the morning. I really need to work on that and see what happens. Hopefully it's not too late to turn things around.

I'm so behind with things. I have no money and it is driving me crazy. But I've also worn my parents out. What a helpless feeling. I hate it. It's all I can think about. There stupid DEAD BEAT DAD makes me so mad. I bet he's not doing with out or having to worry on such a level. Such a loser. He is the most selfish, inhumane person I have ever met in my entire life. Grrrrr.

I just wish I could snap out of whatever is wrong with me. What an awful feeling.

Until next time....

"this too shall pass...."

Catching Up....

Yesterday Daddy took me to Atlanta to see Jay. It's amazing, we actually talk non-stop, and if I nod off and go to sleep, (because the night before Mom spends the night and we stay up until almost 2 a.m. talking) as soon as he sees me wake back up he just starts talking all over again. It makes me laugh. I was never close to my Dad when I was little. He worked, I did the kid thing. Then when we moved south I just wanted to make him miserable, the sad thing, he already was. Then I thought I fell in love, although warned against it over and over by so many people- again, I disappointed my Dad. Just putting more and more space between us. Now, I have that relationship with me Dad I've always longed for. I can call and even tell him when I mess up. (It takes some encouragement from Mom, but I end up calling) He listens. He talks. He helps. He advices. He laughs. I love it. I love him, and thankfully he forgives. I know he'll never forget the Hell I literally put him through, but I finally KNOW my Daddy loves me! Now, Jay- he was AWESOME, AMAZING, HAPPY, INTERACTIVE, LAUGHING...the list goes on. I couldn't have been happier with his progress. He even learned how to play chess, so he was telling his Granny Bob all about it! Left me speechless. I'll go back later this month for a 'Community Meal' where I'll get to eat with him and visit for a longer period of time. The girls and hopefully my sister will be going too, which is going to be AWESOME!

Well, another day coming to an end. Something doesn't feel right, and it hasn't. I keep talking to my doctors about it, but they insist all is fine. Maybe it's the weight? Have you ever felt guilty about something that you hold the absolute control of? I mean, I am the only one that can change it, yet I still do it. I have my closet and dresser divided into outfits I can wear, and outfits that are too small. But they are all like new, I refuse to part with them, and pray I get back to that size and lower. I pray God gives me the strength to see this commitment through and helps me get on the road to eating healthy and exercising like I should. I have to be here for my kids, my grandkids and all of their milestones through life. I refuse to miss any of it- so that leaves one answer... DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

I was suppose to go help my friend paint today. Have you ever had that feeling that something just isn't right? I don't know if it's still from not feeling good yesterday, I've caught a little bug, or what- but I can't shake it. I just don't feel right. I can't explain it anymore then that, it's just strange. I feel so bad for not going. She was really counting on me too. I have to admit though, I am also worried about money and my car. I've noticed an oil leak again. Worse then before, I just need to stay close to home I think. I should have ridden with her! Shoot-

Well, that's all for now.
"If you fall seven times, stand up eight!" - chinese proverb

*The Daffodil Principle*

The Daffodil Principle

Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, 'Mother, you must come to
see the daffodils before they are over.''

I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead.
'I will come next Tuesday', I promised a little reluctantly on her third
call.

Next Tuesday, dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and reluctantly I
drove there. When I finally walked into Carolyn's house, I was welcomed by
the joyful sounds of happy children. I delightedly hugged and greeted my
grandchildren.

'Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible in these clouds and
fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and these children that I
want to see badly enough to drive another inch!'
My daughter smiled calmly and said, ' We drive in this all the time,
Mother.'

'Well, you won't get me back on the road until it clears, and then I'm
heading for home!' I assured her.
'But first we're going to see the daffodils. It's just a few blocks,'
Carolyn said. 'I'll drive. I'm used to this.'

'Carolyn,' I said sternly, 'Please turn around.'

'It's all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if you
miss this experience.'

After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw a
small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand lettered sign with
an arrow that read, 'Daffodil Garden.'

W e got out of the car, each took a child's hand, and I followed Carolyn
down the path. Then, as we turned a corner, I looked up and gasped. Before me
lay the most glorious sight.

It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it over
the mountain peak and its surrounding slopes. The flowers were planted in
majestic, swirling patterns, great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, creamy
white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, saffron and butter yellow. Each
different-colored variety was planted in large groups so that it swirled and flowed
like its own river with its own unique hue. There were five acres of flowers.

'Who did this?' I asked Carolyn.

'Just one woman,' Carolyn answered. 'She lives on the property. That's her
home.' Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame house, small and modestly
sitting in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house.

On the patio, we saw a poster. 'Answers to the Questions I Know You Are
Asking', was the headline.

The first answer was a simple one. '50,000 bulbs,' it read.

The second answer was, 'One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet,
and one brain.'

The third answer was, 'Began in 1958.'

For me, that moment was a life-changing experience. I thought of this woman
whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun, one bulb
at a time, to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountaintop.
Planting one bulb at a time, year after year, this unknown woman had forever
changed the world in which she lived.

One day at a time, she had created something of extraordinary magnificence,
beauty, and inspiration. The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of
the greatest principles of celebration.

That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time,
often just one baby-step at a time and learning to love the doing, learning
to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with
small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish
magnificent things. We can change the world .

'It makes me sad in a way,' I admitted to Carolyn. ' What might I have
accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty five or forty years ago
and had worked away at it 'one bulb at a time' through all those years? 'Just
think what I might have been able to achieve!'

My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way.
'Start tomorrow,' she said.

She was right. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays.
The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for
regret is to only ask, 'How can I put this to use today?'

Use the Daffodil Principle. Stop waiting.....

Until your car or home is paid off
Until you get a new car or home
Until your kids leave the house
Until you go back to school
Until you finish school
Until you clean the house
Until you organize the garage
Until you clean off your desk
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married
Until you get a divorce
Until you have kids
Until the kids go to school
Until you retire
Until summer
Until spring
Until winter
Until fall
Until you die...

There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey,
not a destination.